i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
