I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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