my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
