We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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