There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
