saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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