I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
