i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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