and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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