you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
