Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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