She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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