so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
