puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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