Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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