We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
