if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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