Fuck appropriateness.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
