I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
