So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
