im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
