I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
