If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
