hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
