I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
