when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
