Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
