So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
