haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I want to be your penis for a week.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
