i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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