I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
