I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
