dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
