never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
