My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
soo... how was my night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
