i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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