The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
