at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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