I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
