Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
