Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
where am i from again
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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