I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
