Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She bit a glass in half.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
