if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You are a genius and a whore.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
