I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
