I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
