I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
