Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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