Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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