all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
