If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
