Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
