If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I understand Curling. That high.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
